Word of the day: Athanor – an alchemist’s self-feeding digesting furnace
Weather: grey
Mood: ho hum
I woke up in a bad mood, and it has hung around me like a buzzy fly all day. I cornered Hamoudi, he-who-sees-dead-people, while he was eating cereal. I made no pretence of politeness.
‘So what did the mysterious woman say? In the café?’
He wiped the milk off his chin, leaned over our small kitchen table and said intensely,
‘She said all the strange things happening to me, weren’t happening by chance. That I was on a path and nothing could stop that journey.’ This sounded kind of cheesy and vague to me, but maybe I’m just jealous.
‘So why leave?’
‘Because it wasn’t a good path. She didn’t go into specifics, but she made it sound like I was heading into trouble. She said I had to be careful who I trusted. I’m no good at that! I trust everybody!’
‘But if it’s all true,’ I said, ‘surely coming to London is part of the path as well. You can’t abandon destiny by moving.’ He looked at me blankly, and then alarmed, so I changed the subject. We talked about the ongoing battle between Jinjing and Neville.
‘She won’t let it go,’ he said, ‘when she thinks someone’s wrong, she keeps at it. She’s like a terrier.’
Oh good, the drama continues then.
And I’ve thought about it, I’m definitely jealous. I want to be told I’m on a path by a mysterious stranger, even a bad path, rather than wandering aimlessly and ending up lost all the time. Does that make me naive?
inkbiotic 
Freedom or destiny?…. Why wander aimless? Aim at something.
I would never believe anyone who would tell me anything about a path I am on. I choose where I go. Even when I was depressed there was still some amount of freedom in my actions.
You wrote somewhere about brain injury. I understand that there are then a lot more things that are basically determined by your brain and not by your free will. (What exactly is free will is another question). Did you ever have a feeling that you have zero choice?
LikeLiked by 1 person
No, I mostly feel that I have lots of choice, but am not always sure what to do with it. It’s true with the brain injury I was at the whim of the crazy decisions of my brain, which was scary, and I would never choose to give up my freedom for that.
On the other hand, I like the idea of somebody turning up like Morpheus and knowing what it is I’m meant to be doing. The reality might be different, maybe I’d run away like Hamoudi, maybe I’d rebel, but the idea is still appealing.
Have you always known what path you’re on? Or ever been unsure that you’re heading in the right direction?
LikeLike
I don’t always know what I want. But I always know the way to figure it out in a pretty short amount of time. It changes sometimes (or actually pretty often): relationships, jobs, what I do with my time. But I rarely to never spend time in “unsure” state. My brain hates it not to know what to do.
The only person in this world, who is able to give me doubts, is my mom. But after so many decades I also figured out a way to deal with it, because the only times I had regrets, was when I did what she told me instead of what I thought is the right thing to do.
And with “greater purpose” and so….. I answered it for me pretty general: I want to live so that I have minimum regrets when I die. And I know pretty good what do I have to do to achieve that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That sounds great to me. Long may your certainty reign! 🙂
LikeLike
You’re not naive; just human. We all want to believe there is a greater purpose to our lives, and how much easier would it be if someone could (or would) just tell us what it is?!
I spent most of my adult life on various spiritual paths, sometimes excitedly, sometimes trudgingly. I saw many around me being “recognized” by various teachers and gurus wanting to help them achieve their greatest potential. I desperately wanted that for myself!
When it finally happened late last year, I was too busy to pursue it! I felt cheated and defeated. But it gradually came to me that I’m not really very good at taking instruction; I always need to figure things out on my own. And this is likely no different…
As for all those others who found Teachers early on? Most have abandoned their spiritual journeys, or simply crashed and burned in the reality of day to day living. I’m still searching…
So who had the true-er path, after all?
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s true that it’s a very human thing to want that easy reason, but I guess reaching your highest potential *can’t* be easy. I’m also one who doesn’t learn well from others, I need time to play with something myself before I understand it. So these two facts mean that I probably wouldn’t react that well to my own mysterious stranger, anyway.
It must have been frustrating to have that recognition last year and not be able to realise it, can I ask what happened?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sure. Someone connected with me through my blog, someone whose wisdom I greatly admire. They told me they felt a connection, and though they rarely (read almost never) offer to “teach” people, they felt compelled to offer that choice to me. She said I was at a critical point in my journey, so close to where I wanted to be; a tipping point that could go either way. No money involved, just emails and an occasional facetime call.
It was music to my ears; literally something I’ve waited my whole life to hear…
But we were just entering the Christmas rush at work (I work retail), which means long hours and total exhaustion on my part. My daughter was also in crisis, as her longtime boyfriend and father of her two children turned suddenly violent, and she (and the kids) were temporarily homeless. And then I got deathly ill on top of all that, but there was no way I could take time out to heal and recover…
After having eagerly accepted this teacher’s offer and exchanging emails, I found myself with no time to devote to her teachings. She immediately began to question my commitment to the process; not meanly, but curiously, since I had been so eager. I had to admit that my daily life had overwhelmed me. She told me no “excuses” were necessary.
That was when I realized it wasn’t going to work. She wasn’t wrong; I understood what she meant about excuses. But the truth was my daily, mundane life HAD become more than I could handle, and there was nothing left over to devote to her teachings. It might sound like an excuse, it might even have been an excuse, but clearly my soul was rejecting the beautiful opportunity she had offered me…
I still follow her blog, and interact occasionally through it, but it’s not the same. It was later that someone entirely different reminded me that I don’t take instruction well; I have never been the type to follow a leader, preferring to wander off on my own path always. Lol!
LikeLiked by 1 person
That sounds like such an intense time, I’m sorry you went through that and I hope you and your daughter are doing better now.
I think there can be a real conflict between life and spirituality, sometimes they can work harmoniously, but at other times you have to make a choice. Being a generally practical person, I tend to choose life, to care for those around me and myself, over a spiritual quest, So I believe you made the right decision. To let down your daughter in pursuit of a higher meaning would have made that higher meaning hollow.
Much as I would like someone to give me the answers, I still think the path you carve for yourself has more significance, but I’m quite arrogant that way! 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can only respect such arrogance, my dear One! 😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Make your own path, luv.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wise words 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person