Health and safety concern: eating

Posted on by inkbiotic

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I’m concerned that my inspirational quote generator may be a little sexist.

At work today, Mateo had sushi for lunch and left his chopsticks on the table in our new smoking area. Mike picked them up and began to play.

‘I’ve never used these before, is it difficult?’ he said, holding them like drumsticks and trying to pick up a small stone.

‘Well it is if you hold them like that,’ explained Jessica. Then she spent a patient half hour trying to show him how to hold them. He would get it, and shriek excitedly as the stone lifted, but within a few moments he seemed to lose the knack and would wail ‘My thumb keeps getting in the way! Why is my thumb in the way? Your thumb doesn’t get in the way!’ and then Jessica would start again.

The afternoon went as normal, I’m still hedgecutting. Trying, as we all do, to sneak a few topiaried animals into the more random, natural shapes that they want us to create.

When I got back to the yard, Mike was shoving one of our eleven-hundred litre industrial bins over lumpy concrete towards his van to empty the rubbish.

‘How ya doing?’ I asked. He gave me a tormented look and stopped shoving to hold up his hand.

‘I’ve got chopstick-finger!’ he wailed.

‘What?’ I asked as he waggled a digit in my face.

‘Chopstick finger! It hurts! From using it so much over lunch. I’m not doing that again. It’s dangerous!’

19 thoughts on “Health and safety concern: eating”

  2. Hee hee! 🙂 Do you know, when I was younger I worked as a silver service waiter. Man was I good at that crap. I could literally silver serve anything (my whole dover sole off-the-bone was a sight to behold) however, I just can’t master chopsticks. I think I’ve got it, I really think I’ve got it, and then I spring a dumpling half way across the room as I try to get it in my mouth. Me, a pair of chopsticks and a spring roll – it’s like watching a teenager with a fidget-spinner. Usually results in some fluorescent sauce or another over every conceivable non-spongeable surface and the couple at the next table fishing bean-shoots out of their wine. Thanks to Mike, I now have another reason to stick to a fork…

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    1. So your chopstick use sounds way more exciting than just picking up food, it’s practically a circus act 😂
      It’s good to know that Mike has inspired you, he should be an inspiration to all. But remember if you’re trying to eat a dumpling with chopsticks, just skewer it and eat it like a toffee apple. You might get some weird looks, but secretly they’ll be jealous they didn’t think of it 😉

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      1. I will remember that, thank you. However, do you remember going to the fair as a child? There was always some poor bugger whose toffee apple fell off the stick and hit the mud as he tried to take his first, much anticipated bite. That was me…

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    2. I’ve used chopstick a couple of time, poorly. One of the best days of my life was reading an interview with a Japanese sushi chef and he said that in Japan, sushi rolls are considered finger food. When I go out for sushi, I just use my finger and damn the scandalous looks that other Americans give me. I just laugh as someone invariably has too much torque going on with their chopsticks and flings a sushi roll.

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      2. Brilliant! They’ve been laughing at our attempts all this time!! Silly foreigners don’t know that sushi is finger food!

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  3. I LOVE using chopsticks. Drives Gary nuts I can pick up a single piece of rice and he can’t even keep the two sticks in one hand at the same time. One always falls almost immediately. I chuckle. He gives me a dirty look. LOL

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  4. The solution to being fed up with society is a boyfriend? Seems legit.

    I’m the only person in my family who can use chopsticks, I owe this to numerous packs of Tesco Sushi… and laziness – to a degree – as I couldn’t be boshed making something for dinner when I used to get back from shopping.

    To answer your question form another comment, yes a fridge with granny AI would be better than a ghost fridge. Though she may have to evict the Predator, a drummer and cat in there who gurgle, tak drum sticks together (as about to start a drum solo) and pur respectively.

    I know there’s a joke about Descartes and Ryle in there somewhere… 😉

    – Phil

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    1. I do like a full fridge, although I tend to go for food rather than assorted animals and musicians, but you have to go with you get sometimes.

      Sushi should never be a purely lazy choice, sushi is a precious joy that should be celebrated with a little dance and then reverence and ritual. Not Tesco sushi though, that’s crap.

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