Peas? Evil peas?

Posted on by inkbiotic
evil peas
It seems that the evil of peas has made it into a book. Good.

I planted some of my mysterious Chinese seeds today (post about them here) – the ones that have newspapers like the Express all in a flap (I wonder if Express journalists are as hysterical as their headlines, or if they just see every situation as potential clickbait).

express seeds

But it seems I’m too late, because I posted up that I’d sowed them on my work Whatsapp and it turns out my boss got some of the seeds too. And she sowed them ages ago! And they grew! And they’re peas! Peas!

Now I have an all encompassing hatred of peas, little green bastards. So I take back anything reasonable I said about China. This is an invasion! They are evil geniuses! They want to ruin all dinners with pea juice (because that is the evil of peas), so that we become hungry and grumpy and subduing us will be easy. I know I’m going to have trouble convincing others of this plot. Logically it may not make sense, but in my heart, I know the truth.

And I’m still going to grow the seeds.

41 thoughts on “Peas? Evil peas?”

  1. Don’t imported foodstuffs have to be quarantined / declared / approved / determined whether they are defective / registered for GM status etc? Can it be so easy-peasy to import these, albeit by devious means? There’s no such thing as a free lunch, and that applies to légumes…

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    1. Puntastic! Not sure about the restrictions on seeds, I think it applies more to plants (which need a passport). However, they did mark the packets with misinformation. Apparently the packaging said ‘earrings’. I didn’t notice that on mine, but I’m fairly oblivious.

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  2. What if China has adapted 1984 with a kind of postal Room 101. The seeds that you are sent to grow are the seeds that you would least choose to grow. If I get sent any, they will be Okra, and they will go straight in the bloody bin!

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    1. Send the okra to me, so long as I can fry them so they aren’t slimy, I like them a lot. Do you want to swap them for some peas?

      If you’re right, then China is so far in advance of anything we could do, we might as well surrender now. In fact, let’s just do that. I reckon they will make a better job of dealing with corona than Bojo will.

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      1. You have been brainwashed! Nobody REALLY likes Okra – it’s like Interpretive Dance. Trust me on this one. Make yourself a cassette tape with the phrase ‘I do not like Okra’ on it, repeated beginning to end and make yourself a facemask with black and white spirals painted on the inside. Play the tape and wear the mask when you go to sleep. Do not be tempted to renounce the pea – only the Devil would make you do that. Name me one other veg that you can flick across a restaurant without anyone ever knowing who did it!

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      2. One another veg you can flick across the restaurant – potato. All you need is a fork catapault. Think big!
        And I won’t be turned by your malevolent pea cult. 😛

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      7. Pfft, the young, what do they know? Just recant your love of peas, admit that the Devil whispered lies about peas in your ear, and all claims of creepiness will be expunged.

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      9. Shit no, don’t do that. Take a long hard look at a tree instead. And it may have seemed as if the devil wasn’t whispering about peas, but he uses metaphors. It was ALWAYS about peas.

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  4. One question. If we don’t know who sent the package, how do we know it comes from China. I can send a package with Chinese print or Hindi, if you like it better. Can I send a bomb and blame China this way?

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    1. Fair point, it may well be a plot to discredit China. But then the question is who? Russia? The US? I can imagine imagine Trump chuckling to himself as he oversees the sending of the packages (I’m not thinking he came up with the ideas, obviously).
      I’d say it was a UK plot, but honestly, our government couldn’t plot a way to a cup of coffee right now.
      But then maybe your comment is a confession… Hmm? 😉

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      1. You caught me! I’ve been sending Indian Peas across the globe to discredit our arch enemy. So far I have couriered 50,000 peas. The shipping has costed me 50,000 pounds. But they were worth it. 😋
        Nobody buys Chinese seeds now. Everybody wans made in India peas…

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      2. Fiendish genius! Are peas grown in India different to other peas? Maybe you’ve been spreading good peas. Maybe the reign of the terrible pea is over.

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  5. Peas are in the ether. In Curmudgeon Avenue, Edith and Edna have a tin of peas for their evening meal, just peas nothing else. Recently, I read a new book when exactly the same thing happened. Also. I planted pea seeds earlier this year. Tomatoes have grown instead. My tiny mind is blown.

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    1. Woah! That’s a catalogue of strangeness! Lucky with the tomatoes growing instead of the evil peas though (unless you’d prefer peas? But no! Surely not!)

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      2. Green beans = good. Asparagus = v. good. Don’t even know what kohlrabi is, but if it isn’t another name for peas, I’ll give it a go 😉

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