Facebook Blues

Sarah was content before she joined Facebook.

She had been popular at school. She had glided through the corridors with her good looks and quick wit. She saw it as her duty to enlighten the lesser beings (the nerds, the weirdos, the ugly) of their place in the world, beneath her. She had been so successful at growing up, that it never occurred to her to move out from her home town and seek further approval; she simply was great, so why try? She’d always assumed that those nerds, weirdos and uglies would still be impressed.

Then she joined Facebook, and discovered those same hapless beings were running companies or living in far off lands. One was even a model. She had been happy imagining how sad and sorry they all were, but instead she could see their photos of glamour and adventure, and excited posts of achievement and popularity. And she had nothing to post. She went to work at the hairdressers, she went home and watched X Factor, she went to the supermarket.

“I think you’re either good at being a child or good at being an adult,” posted one ex-dweeb, all her pimples gone. The accompanying selfie showed her drinking cocktails in an exclusive club in London. “And now I’m a surgeon in Harley Street, it makes all the  bullying worthwhile. But it seems like all the cool kids are now just stuck in the same town in crappy jobs, pretty sad really.” The post got two hundred likes and thirty comments agreeing. Sarah was incensed.

So she set out to prove them all wrong. She spent two days plotting and shopping. She travelled to London and scoured the streets. She sweet talked every good-looking stranger. She wore her credit card down to a stub. And then she unleashed the new Sarah onto Facebook. Careful not to show all the evidence of her sparkly new life all at once, just a few details at a time.

Monday: The picture on Sarah’s Facebook page showed a pair of men’s shoes by the door “Oops, looks like I did it again #YOLO”. She had bought the shoes in Shoezone, they were accepting returns.

Tuesday: picture showed a Ferrari with the number plate SRH 2. “Guess who’s got a new car!” She had wandered around Chelsea for three hours looking for a car to pose with. She had to balance just above the bonnet so as not to set off the alarm.

Wednesday: picture showed Sarah grinning in a selfie with a barman, “Time for a little drinkie.” The little drinkie cost a day’s wages. She had tried to get a few of the other patrons to join her for a photo, but they had backed away from her.

Thursday: picture showed Sarah with a horse, nose to nose, “My own Ferdinand, looking gorgeous as always.” She hadn’t been able to get on the horse, and it had taken many attempts before Dobson (the horse was not called Ferdinand) allowed her near him.

Friday: ten pictures, all showing her new haircut from a different angle. The haircut was real.

Her newly added friends liked and commented, with gushing praise for her glamourous lifestyle. Sarah felt such a high, riding on the crest of praise, she didn’t even think about how she might maintain proof of her glamourous existence. Every time she logged on (thirteen times in one hour) there was someone else giving her the validation she craved, that she deserved; even if the reason they were giving it was not the reason she deserved it.

“Oh you have a horse! He’s beautiful!”

“Love the hair, honey.”

“Yolo! LOL!”

Saturday morning, she opened up Facebook with glee, and with eyes still blurry from sleep. She clicked on a PM and felt her stomach drop as dread took over. Her one true nemesis was on Facebook, the worst gossip she knew. The only one that could unravel her web of lies.

“Sarah! Wonderful that you’re on Facebook finally, but what’s all this about a horse? And men’s shoes? I’ll call you later, love mum.”

21 thoughts on “Facebook Blues

  1. Haha! Nice.

    I haven’t used FB in several years, but when i did, it WAS hard to guage just how much of the braggy crap i saw on there actually represented people’s realities.

    As for the Cool Kids who stay in their home towns…how true. I knew people like that. It’s much easier to be a big fish in a small pond than a piece of krill in the ocean! And all the misfits and nerds DO generally go on to become awesome.

    Well, thanks for reminding me why I don’t miss fakebook OR the town where i went to highschool!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I ran away from Facebook after a few weeks – I felt like if I wanted to make my life look good on FB, I’d have to spend less time actually enjoying it.
      And Let The Nerds Unite! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. P.s. There were a few things before the giant hissing you-know-what post that i wanted to read….i still do, but i’d have to scroll past it, and i’m such a wuss that i can’t bring myself to do it. So….and i realise i’m imposing here, would you pretty please be able to link me to those pre you-know-what stories? If not, then i will psyche myself up to scroll past…the Thing…..but it might take a while :/ Anyway. Pardon the weird and somewhat demanding-spoilt-shit of a request. I know i’m intolerable! Sowwyz. Feel free to ignore, and we’ll just pretend this never happenned.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You’re not intolerable! I’m a bit confused by what you want though. In order to hopefully solve the problem, I’ve removed the picture of the you-know-what, does that help? I can remove the title too, if you need. If that doesn’t help, can you tell me which post you want a link to – cos I think I can only link to one post at a time.
        Sorry to have caused you such distress, I have phobias, but they aren’t as strong as many people have, and I forget how disturbing it is to even see the object of your fear. Anyway, have a lovely day, and there’ll be no more evil beasties! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      3. No, no, please don’t change the title or anything! I feel bad that you even removed the piccy! I may find the ..things…hideous, but free expression is surely a writer’s right, as is posting exactly what one wants to on one’s blog! If anything, the picture (and title) at least gives a pretty good warning of what’s to come. Better that readers be informed of the subject than not! I certainly don’t expect people to kowtow to my every little whim! Aww, i feel bad now.
        The one i remember dashing past in the feed ( when i didn’t have time to read/ comment on everyone’s stuff) was something about using someone’s head for something, i think. I’d say there are more, but i go ages without checking the reader, sometime, and things often get past me as i follow so many blawgs now and can’t keep up.
        Anyhoo, please just post whatever you like, whenever you like ; I’m not here to be the blog police 😉 If we had to take down every little thing that someone didn’t like, there’d be no blogs at all! Thanks for being so lovely and empathetic about it, though! ^_^

        Liked by 1 person

      4. It’s no problem Siddie, you aren’t being the blog police. It’s only a story, not important enough to be making someone feel bad. Anyway, i don’t want to be scaring people away, that doesn’t seem like a good way to run a blog. I’ll leave the title though, cos like you say it’s a good warning.
        Please don’t feel bad, it’s all good! 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  2. One of my friends calls it FarceBook for a very good reason lol. I like it for its ease of keeping in touch, but it can be such a toxic place. Hopefully Sarah realizes it’s not worth the bankruptcy to try to impress people who would more than likely not recognize her on the street :p


      1. I almost deactivated for a bit after the (American) election, because it was really getting to me. I struggle between wanting to say informed/in the loop and being just disheartened by how terrible people, including people I know personally, are to one another! Like I have found far more support here on WP or Twitter with blogger friends than I have with some folks I know in real life. I started limiting my time on it and didn’t toss it altogether. I would’ve had to have deactivated the fanpage I run, too, and I didn’t want to do that. It can be such a toxic place though, and so addictive ugh.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I think if you have an awareness of that, at least you know to keep a distance and not get caught up. It’s weird though, how people’s personalities change on some sites. Like you say, on WP people are nicer and gentler with each other. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I think it might have to do with the fact that it’s blogging, and people who blog have a particular type of personality maybe? Or the bloggers we follow are just awesome lol. I think the serious bloggers aren’t here to troll; they’re here to discuss the things the love whereas Facebook and other “quick” social media is the equivalent of sound bytes. It doesn’t take as much work to write out a mean status or comment whereas if you’re running a blog, you’re taking the time to make a point about something, and the majority aren’t going to waste time on “hate” blogs. So the whole mindset is different. Whew, I hope that made sense. I’ve drunk a ton of coffee today, but it’s one of those times where I seem to be caffeine immune D:


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