Attack of the vapours

Today’s ridiculous drama: I had just driven back to base and had gracefully leapt from the van barely stumbling at all, when Mike appeared from the shadows and said earnestly, ‘I’ve got vapers’ tongue!’

‘What?’ I asked politely, pressing all the wrong buttons on the key to lock the van.

‘It’s when you lose your sense of taste because you’ve been vaping too much. See?’ he went on proudly. ‘People thinking vaping is simple, like smoking, but actually there’s a lot to know.’

Finally I stopped faffing about and started listening. ‘Wait, you’ve lost your sense of taste? Isn’t that a sign of the virus?’

‘No, it’s vapers’ tongue,’ said Mike.

‘And you said you were coughing earlier. You’ve got the plague! Stay away from me infiltrated one!’ I tried to ward him off with the van key, holding my sleeve in front of my mouth.

‘It’s vapers’ tongue!’ said Mike insistently. ‘I’ll get my sense of taste back once I have some chewing gum. It’s all fine. My vape dealer explained it all, it’s vapers’ tongue. Have you got any chewing gum, I need mint!’

I watched him carefully for the rest of the afternoon. No more signs, but I’m ready with a net, a cross and a plastic bag. We’ve already made plans for how we can survive in the gardens if the plague takes over London, but if one of us get it, then we’re screwed.

23 thoughts on “Attack of the vapours

  1. It’s the vapors! That’s what they ALL say…
    In this pandemic, if you clear your throat, everyone looks at you. Two coughs will get you sprayed with disinfectant and banished to home.
    No taste? Your looking at a one-way ticket out of town. Hope a coach seat is Okay.
    See Ya!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. If someone coughs, all heads turn. It’s corona crazy. I wonder if wearing masks and distancing is going to help people not to spread or catch colds? time will tell. Have to say, I love you calling it the plague – might as well!

    Liked by 1 person

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